The Oscars are tonight, Hollywood’s annual event where everyone dresses up very nice and tells each other how wonderful they are.
It’s also not a very good representation of what was good in movies the year before. Seriously. The Academy is filled with old white guys who love tepid movies that vaguely reflect their politics. Nothing too weird, nothing too funny, nothing too strange. If a movie is memorable or arresting? Nah. Let’s give it to that nice historical piece with the sweeping score.
Most years the movies that get nominated are at best tolerable and at worst tepid and totally forgettable. The Artist won Best Picture four years ago. How many people watched The Artist in 2015? Ten? Twelve?
Most of the nominees this year aren’t great, either. They’re good. Fine. OK. Perfectly pleasant. Here’s how I rank them, from most terrible to least terrible:
1. Brooklyn
I will not remember this movie existed in six months. None of us will. The Academy loved it, because of course they did. It’s a period piece and people talk in nice accents and it feels vaguely important. No one in a million years is remembering this movie. I already forgot it. What movie are we talking about?
2. The Revenant
Alejandro González Iñárritu is moving into Terry Malick territory where he makes big movies with lots of camera sweeps and zooms and no one says anything and I hate it. This is going to win, too, because GEE WILLIKERS THIS IS ART AND LEONARDO DICAPRIO ATE A MOOSE.
3. Bridge of Spies
Someone managed to make an even more boring Argo.
4. The Big Short
I enjoyed The Big Short, but using a clever movie and good looking people to trick people into understanding the financial crisis isn’t art. It’s making a clever movie that uses good looking people to trick people into understanding the financial crisis.
5. The Martian
I am a sucker for movies like this, and I’ll happily watch it again, but come on. This is Alien with no stakes. It’s JV Alien.
6. Room
I have deluded myself into thinking that Brie Larson is different than most actresses, and is totally cool, and she and I would be buds and read The New Yorker and sip coffee together and laugh and laugh. I think every other person in America thinks this, as well, which good on you, Brie Larson.
7. Spotlight
This movie was wonderful. Not a lot to say. Mark Ruffalo still needs to open up his mouth when he’s speaking, but yeah, this movie was great.
8. Mad Max: Fury Road
I loved Mad Max: Fury Road more than I love most members of my extended family. This movie was hilarious and beautiful and violent and awesome, and it makes me angry how much I find myself caring that this has like zero percent chance of winning. Doof Warrior should win every award. I don’t care that he didn’t write the script. Give Doof Warrior the best original screenplay. Give him editing. Make the entire award show a 4-hour homage to Doof Warrior.
